Thoughts on LDR

Soooo okay, this post is gonna be a long one. 

Caution: Do not fall asleep while reading. 

Long Distance Relationship - a relationship where two lovers are separated by miles, not being able to see their significant other the way how it is supposed to as normal couple do. When hearing this words, most people would not want to be in it. Why is that?

1. They could not see each other
2. They won't have enough quality times
3. Increasing risks of miscommunication; which 
4. Leads to anxiety
5. People fall out of love 
6. Higher chance of breaking up

Those reasons are well-connected to each and another, something like domino effect where one phase would cause an effect to the subsequent phases. Here are some explanations regarding those. 

a. Case #1, when a couple started LDR

b. Case #2, when a couple pursue an LDR in the middle of their relationship

This case #1 is considered rare when this two people meet at a so called 'temporary right place and right time', experiencing the phase of approaching and 'flirtationship' still at the so called 'still temporary right place and right time'.

Aside that, there might be a very rare case where there might be a time when people, who are already apart get to know each other and they are attracted to each other, fall in love knowing that they meet at a ‘wrong place and wrong time’, despite meeting the right person. 

The problem with case#1 comes when they decide to get serious with each other and want to pursue a deeper relationship, due to sudden circumstances one of them have to leave. There are 3 possibilities regarding this matter:

1) Two of them give in due to the circumstances

2) They decide to stay at it is, not an official girlfriend-boyfriend but still willing to give a shot

3) They would force to have such relationship

As there are 3 possibilities, writer decides to further explain the 3rd possibilities and ignores the previous two, as the theme itself is LDR - meaning there is already a relationship happening.

Generally speaking, on both case #1 and #2, the hero and heroine has known each other pretty well. It is presumed that they have met several times,  the guy has approached the girl well and the girl just responded right – enough to make them feel comfortable around each other. It is natural when people are comfortable with each other, they develop attraction. Attraction leads to attachment, while then attachment leads to taking a liking to each other. When they finally realize that they like each other, it is also natural that they want to be together with each other, to pursue a deeper relationship. However, as we all would agree, relationship may not be that easy. There’s more to it than meets the eye.

Based on those situations above, while we are talking about case #1, presumed that they decide to pursue a relationship -  where they can’t be together, would then create a burden between those two. On the other hand, in case #2 when they have already been in a relationship for periods, they would still be burdened by LDR despite having stronger bonds and firmer base regarding their relationship. 

In both cases, The one leaving would feel irresponsible while the one being left would feel alone and left out. Why would they feel that way? It is because they would not have enough quality time together. There would be no dates, no Saturday night dinner, no movies watched together, no hugs, kisses, and physically meeting their significant other. The one leaving would feel that he/she can’t handle the responsibility as a partner while the one being left would feel like ‘he/she has no boyfriend/girlfriend’ as he/she do not experience things like what lovers should do.

These lack of quality time would then causes some ‘frictions’ between them. One may feels puzzled with the conversation as he/she does not know what the other person on the other side is doing, thus leading to a lack of communication. This kind of feeling when one side does not communicate enough with another would then cause miscommunication. Miscommunication happens when the recipient receives a message other than those intended by the sender. This problems occur so often in many cases of LDR. When people do not know what their special one is doing, all kind of thoughts that pop out in their head would jumbled up together, prone to developing negative thoughts. This means that the ones with the negative thoughts, is not skeptical anymore, he/she is already biased. When people are biased, any information – no matter how neutral it is – would be processed in their head based purely on their perception. Also, other than negative thoughts, it will create a severe change of mood. A person with an anger mood, feeling exasperated could easily interpret the simple innocuous statement as something malicious. This miscommunication is very dangerous, it indeed is.

When miscommunication happened, even once, person will then be more cautious. Being cautious here means in a negative way as they would be anxious, fearing that something bad as previous one might happen again. Miscommunication causes anxiety. Anxiety is fear about something that may not be happening. It is fear about fear, fear that means nothing as it is imaginary. Fear and anxiety is something to be differentiated about. Fear comes when our mind reacts to something that we are afraid of and it is real (e.g fear of heights, fear of cockroaches, etc). On the other hand, anxiety happens when there is a lingering apprehension, chronic sense of worry about the sources of which may be totally unclear. Thus, it can be concluded that yes, anxiety is imaginary. It is something we create internally inside our mind, not what happens externally. For example, imagine that your boyfriend/girlfriend forgets to call you or send messages as he/she is busy or hanging out with friends. This lack of communication will then create anxiety, such as is he/she cheating on me; did something happen; etc. Anxiety then creates insecurities. When people are insecure, they tend to be worried most of the time, even guys who look tough outside would be. When people are enveloped with insecurities, they tend to overthink situation as overthinking only happens when people feel insecure. Overthinking means that you think, but you think too much - way too much. You think about how things are seen from every aspects, you create scenario in your head, including worst case scenario to prepare for the worst outcome.

However, how much will you gain from overthinking? I'd say minus. 

Why minus? Because you're just thinking, thinking about every bits and details regarding that matter, without doing anything significant to support your thought. You are afraid to do something, as you are afraid that it would not go the way you want to. Therefore, it ruins your mood, your happiness. It turns things around, makes you excessively worry, and makes things worse than they actually are.

If this kind of insecurities and constant worrying, are not treated well and quick enough by giving words of affirmations, the bonds between 2 people would drift apart. When they are drifted apart, it is not surprising to have more conflicts in this state, either resolved or unresolved. Their needs would go unspoken and unexpressed.This kind of situation is a sign of an unhealthy relationship. This unhealthy relationship creates a bigger chance for people to fall out of love, therefore giving them higher risks of breaking up.

Those long paragraphs consist of possibilities of all the problems that couples need to face when pursuing an LDR. When you read that, you might be a little convinced and think 'Yes, those are right', 'If things are practically true as they are stated above,  I would not want to have an LDR'. Logically, yes it is hard with that much problems. However, being hard does not mean that is impossible. The problems stated above, are just problems. Problems are present for a solution to be created. Actually, there is a solution for this problem. There always is.
However, before moving on to the explanation of the solution, it is best if we could understand more specifically what are the concerns and point of views between the guy and the girl in an LDR relationship.

GUY'S POV:
According to several surveys and talks between friends, there are several points of views regarding their experience and thoughts of LDR.

First, there are guys who do not want to pursue an LDR. They thought that what is there to a relationship when they cannot visually see their loved ones. It is important for them to have their loved ones physically near them. They need to see their loved ones as much as possible, touch them, having some quality times with them. It is natural, for lovers -  especially for the guy, to feel that way. Well, they do have more libidos than woman. Therefore, they need what so called warmth. They consider their partner’s presence as a warmth. What they fear is that when the warmth is not there, they would try to find another ones who is nearer to them and likely to abandon their partners who’s so far away. They think that if they miss their girlfriends, they can’t literally see them, meet with them, touch and hug them. However, that are what most guys would feel. We could not blame them, it’s pretty normal – so as their hormone speaks.

Second, in contrary-  most guys think that girls need their boyfriend in a way near. Why do they have such thought? It is because most guys think that girls  are delicate, 'frail' (in a good way though). Therefore, they thought that girls need constant attention and someone to lean on, not to mention that most girls want to be understood fully by their partner - while guys think that they are okay with being apart from their girlfriend. Actually, there are types of guys who does not prioritize meeting and seeing their loved ones physically. These kind of guys would prefer words of affirmation from their partners and they are contented enough with just hearing and knowing about how their girlfriends are doing. Therefore, they would really value their significant others and somehow they are afraid that their girls would feel lonely without them. This thought would lead the guys to think that they cannot fulfil their responsibility as a boyfriend – to be able to be there for their girls whenever needed, as they only could support their loved ones from afar. They would also think that during LDR, they cannot go on dates, movies, no more romantic dinners, etc. The most they could do is to communicate via skype ( bravo to the ones who invented skype ). These would lead to the lack of quality time or they said without quality time they could not understand each other fully as non-LDR do.

GIRLS' POV

Before getting into the point, it is important to know that a girl, no matter how strong, how independent she looks on the outside, would still be swayed by their emotions when it comes to deciding something important some phases in their life. Therefore, it is undeniable that they need someone who's likely to use their head to help them direct their path or decisions in their life, which in this case - a guy.
While speaking about emotion, girls are likely to possess keener intuition, due to amount estrogen; they have more gut feelings - an ability to guess and interpret what other people are feeling. This what makes girls tend to be a hypophreniac. Being that, girls need someone who could understand them, who complement them. They need affirmation and assurance from their loved ones.
Girls may have a happily ever after with their man as long as they click, and to be able to rid every obstacle together even though there are problems ahead.
Things are, yes, much easier for the girls and their men if they are together. However, problems occur when they are being apart where they can't see each other which makes it harder to communicate.
Could they handle it and move along with their relationship or being beaten by the miles and find new ones near?

Therefore, when they are asked about LDR, they would say:

1. Speaking bluntly, there are girls who do not wish to pursue LDR. In this case, they think that what's there to a relationship when there is no one near to support them, no one to understand and pamper them. No more seeing each other every weekend, no more flowers, dates, fine dine. Every quality time is done at most by video call on skype where they could not express themselves fully. Stories become harder to tell due to limited understanding, feelings are harder to be expressed as they can't tell each other directly person to person, and the list goes on. These makes girls worried and dissatisfied. Worried that the guys would cheat on them, the guys would lose feelings towards them. Dissatisfied because they feel there are not enough attention given thus they don't feel understood enough and being complemented by their loved ones.

2. On the other side, there are girls who aren't shaken by the distance. They still wish to continue their relationship no matter how far their loved ones reside. Why? Simply because they just 'click' with their loved ones. They think it is better to be with someone that they are comfortable with, even their loved ones are far away, than being with someone near but they don't feel the comfort. As they do, they see something more than a relationship awaits them. Therefore, whatever it takes, they will not give in.


As it has been explained previously about the problems and point of views regarding LDR, there are some things to be concluded.

1. Both girls and guys should first, be comfortable with each other.
2. Both of them have to be 'mature' at the first place, to see that their relationship is a building block for their future
3. Both of them has to possess strong commitment
4. Both have to learn to trust each other FULLY
5. Both of them need to realize that they do it for just a nick of time (temporarily), because at the end, after they have nailed it, they could be together again anyway :))

Also, last but not least: do not expect. Oh well that's not exactly the right phrase. It should have been :' do not expect the expected and unexpected'. This means, you can expect on something but do not rely on your expectation. Especially on LDR, when 2 people are being apart, busy living their lives - you should be thankful enough if your partner still make time or care for you. You should be. Do not expect something extraordinary, just don't. If that happens, then thank God and if it doesn't then so be it - it should have been that way. This is because if you get less than what you expect, disappointment occurs.
In this case, when you're disappointed, most people - due to the fear of hurting someone they care about - would remain silent. However, silence doesn't mean that everything is alright - it is the unexpressed feeling of exasperation, hurt, and the list goes on. When this expressions are remain unexposed, the relationship would not be so called a healthy relationship anymore. It is dangerous, it indeed is.
To conclude, do not expect too much. Expectation is the root of all problems. 

Good luck!